Are Zelda players okay?
If I know anything about PC gaming, I know this: given an ounce of freedom, PC gamers will build a giant penis that spews fire. I'm frankly not even sure what else you'd build in Besiege, the most innately PC of freeform building games. A catapult or something? Boring. There's no better evidence that The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom is a sandbox PC game at heart than how quickly they crested the penis horizon.
With that milestone met, the natural question is: what next? In a typical Zelda game, the answer would be to head to the next dungeon. But in this one, Nintendo has introduced an absurdly flexible building system that lets you connect all sorts of parts together and then power them, creating sturdier weapons, traps for hapless bokoblins, or even freaking mechs. Faced with unprecedented freedom and player choice, the pure, innocent Nintendo gamers playing Zelda this weekend seem to have channeled their inner PC gremlin in a certain direction: abject torture.
I've seen some wild Tears of the Kingdom creations over the last few days, and almost all of them have been designed with the singular purpose of torturing Zelda's poor innocent koroks. These little forest creatures, koroks, are hidden around Hyrule for you to find, and pop up with an adorable little chirp when you discover them. They can't actually be harmed, which I guess makes them the perfect guinea pigs for twisted torture devices or simple gallows humor. There's no more straightforward exhibit A than a little light crucifixion:
my roommate crucified a korok pic.twitter.com/zqy5TwSIfCMay 13, 2023
But it gets so. Much. Worse. Or better? As collected in this amazing Twitter thread by Dan Kois, Korok torture is the new official Hyrule pasttime. This is some serious Prometheus shit Nintendo players are on right now. I couldn't be prouder.
I AM THE DREAD KOROK ROBERTS pic.twitter.com/0YCIeA3MKxMay 14, 2023
The sound effects really add to this one.
My MAGNUM OPUS: Korok BBQ V3 @GetGianni pic.twitter.com/yUd6eIBUbCMay 14, 2023
Turns out putting rockets in Zelda was a very good idea.
The game should win game of the year just for letting you do this: from r/tearsofthekingdom
Sometimes a simpler form of cruelty is more fun.
Hope you don’t mind being used as a front bumper lil Korok HAHAHAHA pic.twitter.com/QbMuVUDAExMay 12, 2023
"THE FACT THAT THIS IS AN OPTION IS SO FUNNY," sums up the poster below, a prime example of the gone-mad-with-freedom Zelda player.
they shouldn't let u do this #TearsOfTheKingdom #Zelda #NintendoSwitch pic.twitter.com/U4VOx8LjP1May 12, 2023
I think the clear master of the form so far is YouTuber Oyff, however, who has married korok torture with PC staple penis engineering.
penis launcher v2 pic.twitter.com/pt0Mh9Okw3May 14, 2023
What a glorious new era for Nintendo games.